


Basically I'm Gay

by ChainedKura



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Domestic Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, One Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-18
Updated: 2020-04-18
Packaged: 2021-03-02 05:15:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,727
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23709778
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChainedKura/pseuds/ChainedKura
Summary: Dan is editing his coming out video when a deep sadness takes over his body. Lucky for him, he counts with a Phil Lester on his side that will do everything in his power to make his partner feel better.
Relationships: Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Kudos: 49





	Basically I'm Gay

**Author's Note:**

  * A translation of [Basicamente soy Gay](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23709550) by [ChainedKura](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChainedKura/pseuds/ChainedKura). 



> This is my first Phanfic, I hope you like it.
> 
> A big thanks to [**DaenaBlackfyre**](https://archiveofourown.org/users/DaenaBlackfyre) and [**AnnieDeOdair**](https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnnieDeOdair) who supported me in the writing process and were the Betas for this fic. Check out their stories, they are two amazing writers.
> 
> **Disclaimer:** This is just a practice in creative writing, everything that is written here is just a work of fiction. I don't know any details about D&P’s true relationship, and it’s not my interest to delve into it.

“ _I finally just have to confront and accept this… I’m gay_ ”  
No matter how many times he had to listen to his own voice saying it, this phrase will always carry a lot of emotions with it. Either during writing the script of the so delayed video, the shooting or the countless hours of editing. The damage that that simple word generates in his life. All the pain rooted in those three letters. A deep void in his chest and a tangle in the pit of his stomach, grows slowly while, looking without watching, the footage of his last video keeps playing.  
“ _Oh look, didn’t spontaneously fucking combust_ ”  
The joke, made to relieve the tension, doesn’t reach his ears. He should continue editing, adding the beautiful drawings that Hector made for him, but at this moment, his emotions don’t let him. Suddenly a wet sensation caresses his cheek and just like that, without even noticing it, Dan is crying. Crying for the story of that little boy that had to suffer so much, crying for his own story. Crying for that fucking word, those three letter that would define such a big part of his life. The memories flood his mind, the bullying and the constant harassment. The years of feeling inadequate and incorrect. The fear of the invasion of his privacy, of, just for a simple whim of the internet, all his relations would know about his great secret, his great shame. He knows that is not something to be ashamed of. Or at least now, after years of therapy and work he knows it, but that doesn’t matter right now.  
Dan has always been a person who doesn’t show openly his emotions, or at least the negatives ones, hiding behind a front of sarcasm and self-deprecating humor. That has always been his way to deal with the pain. But in the dark solitude of the room destined to work on his videos, doesn’t exist the need for such masks. Only in this moment, of complete quietude, he can express his emotions without the usual restraints. And like that Dan keeps crying, letting his emotions overflow, letting that black hole he feels in his chest keep growing and absorb it all. The upright posture he tooks in his chair while editing, against all his natural instincts, has completely deform. He puts his legs over the chair and holds them, in need of feeling his own body to don’t get lost in the vortex that are his emotions.  
And like that the minutes go by, he cries in a room where it’s only light is the one that the computer screen irradiates. His voice, finishing the long story of his sexuality, resonates in the background. Dan doesn’t notice when the video ends nor when the screen turns off. He is in his own world, surrounded by sad emotions. Only him and his memories.  
Suddenly a soft knock followed by a concerned voice breaks the spell.  
“Dan, is everything alright?”  
A figure enters the room dimly lighting it up when the door opens. Dan knows pretty well who it is: his friend, his roommate, his partner, his soulmate. Phil.  
“You have been in here for a while editing and I didn’t hear any noise” after these words leave out of his mouth, he notices his mate’s posture. In an instant his eyes lose their usual glow. “Love, what happened?” He says with concern in his voice while getting close to Dan’s chair.  
Dan tries to hide the tears, answer something, make a joke to mask reality, but is to no avail. Phil’s tone of voice only speaks of love and that love is fuel to the fire that are his emotions right now. Phil’s words are a catalycer that deepens his crying. Tears run down his cheeks and Dan can’t do anything to stop them. How broken could he be? How much therapy would he have to do to fix himself? How many years would have to pass so that the memories will not affect him in such a way?  
“Come here” Phil says, turning around the chair where Dan is huddled and extending a hand to him. Dan automatically, without thinking what he is doing, takes the hand his partner is offering, lacing their fingers together. There is a warmth in those fingers, like all of Phil’s feelings had turned into temperature and moved to the only place where their bodies touch.  
Phil pulls gently, and before even noticing it, Dan is in the other’s arms. That warmth extends now to all his body through every single touch point. The feeling is so overwhelming and Dan can only keep crying, now in the chest of his partner. Phil holds him tightly while tracing little circles in his hair. And they stay like that, hugged in the dim darkness of the editing room, for minutes, hours, who knows how long. Time seems to have lost all meaning to the intensity of his emotions. Little by little the wrenching cry starts to concede, giving rise to little sobs, until finishing completely.  
“Come on, I think you need a hot drink” Phil says with what seems to be the softest and sweetest voice in the world without stopping the tender caresses in his hair.  
Phil breaks up the hug only to hold his hand and take him out of the room. Dan lets himself be guided in silence, way too tired because of the crying to say something, to give an explanation for the tears. Phil doesn’t say anything about it, he seems to be going to the living room but, in the middle of the way, he stops to look at his mate.  
“Can you wait on the sofa while I prepare something to drink or…?” Before finishing his sentence Dan nods, interrupting him, he doesn’t feel so miserable as to not be able to spend a few moments alone in their lounge. Phil resumes his ways, never letting go of the other’s hand, leading him to the sofa, where Dan settles in his usual spot. After Phil has gone to the kitchen, probably to fetch them some tea, Dan turns on the television. He didn’t do it because there was some show he was interested in watching, but only to distract himself and not get lost in his own feelings, in his own memories again.  
He switches channels until finding a Bake Off rerun, letting his mind slip away while watching the contestants trying to finish up in time their baker's dozen of eclairs. To tell the truth, he’s not paying a lot of attention, in the end is just a rerun and Phil and him have watched every single season thousands of times, but the wholesome vibe of the show helps him to calm down and let his mind go blank.  
Before the episode is finished Phil comes back from the kitchen carrying a tray with not only two mugs of tea but also several sweets and a bowl full of popcorn. His movements are slow, clearly trying to compensate for his usual clumsiness and to avoid tripping in his way. After putting down the tray on the coffee table, he takes a seat on the sofa next to Dan offering him one of the mugs.  
“There you go” He says after Dan has taken the mug. “We have some Haribo, marshmallows, popcorn…”  
Dan takes a sip of his tea staring at his roommate without noticing the temperature of the drink, burning his mouth in the process.  
“God dammit Phil, this is scalding”  
“Of course, I’ve just made it,” Phil answers with a grin on his face. “You have to blow it first.”  
“Thanks for the head up” The usual sarcasm rings in his voice when he leaves the mug on the little table and takes a handful of popcorn.  
Phil’s answer in only a smile. One of those big and candid smiles that only him could give. Watching that expression a warmth flood Dan’s body, almost as if his partner’s smile was emitting light and heat. The sensation is not a surprise, Phil has always had this effect on him. He has always been able to light his path and make him forget the freezing sadness that clutters his heart, with simple actions just like making a hot drink or giving him an honest smile.  
Dan notices that he has been staring, lost in the emotions that that smile triggered. Swiftly he averts his gaze to the telly and takes his tea mug to hide his face behind it, his cheeks dyeing a soft pink. It doesn’t make sense to be honest. It’s been over a decade since they knew each other, since they’re friends, since they’re a couple and still, in moments like this when he feels so vulnerable, he can’t avoid blushing a little and feeling embarrassed.  
“Want to talk about what happened back there?” Phil’s voice, deep, concerned breaks the silence getting him out of his trance.  
“Not really, not right now” Dan answers after a few seconds, taking a sip of his drink, not before blowing a bit so as not to burn his mouth like last time.  
“Ok, we can talk whenever you want” Phil says in a conciliatory voice. “Want to play some Mario Kart?”  
“You mean win some Mario Kart.”  
“You wish, you’re going down today.”  
Making jokes and banting with each other is way easier than talking about his feelings, and Dan is grateful that Phil dropped the topic. They didn’t start the game immediately. In the end playing something so competitive as Mario Kart while drinking hot tea is a recipe for disaster. Instead, they kept watching telly. Apparently the channel they were watching was doing a Bake Off marathon since, as soon as the episode Dan had found ended, another one started immediately. They kept like that for a while, drinking tea and eating sweets whilst watching television in a comfortable silence.  
Once they have drunk their drinks and tired of watching baking challenges on the telly, Phil turned on the gaming console and started the game. Mario Kart is one of the video games that through the years have turned into a tradition in their home. Since their university time, sitting together on the sofa and playing a couple of cups was one of their favorite activities to forget the stress of the day. There is something almost magical in how the instant the race starts all their worries seem to fade away, to melt between the bants and the fun of two mates playing.  
And fun is what they were having. Cheerful and loud laughs fill the room. Dan swears a little when Phil manages to best him. Dan wins most of the races to be honest, not because Phil is bad at the game, but he is even better. Phil doesn’t really care, if it helps to brighten up his friend’s mood then the defeats are welcome.  
And they spend the next hours just like that, playing games and letting go of their worries and responsibilities. They both know that they have a considerable amount of work to do. Dan should keep working on his video and Phil still has to film his, besides the emails they should be answering. None of that is important right now. Dan clearly was not feeling well and one of the things they learned after their second world tour is that health, be it physical or mental, has to always be before their work. Generally it was not easy to quiet down the voices in their heads that were always reminding them of their unfinished work. However today they seem to be a lot less annoying than always, letting the guilt of the abandoned responsibilities be a slight discomfort at the farthest corner of their minds.  
When dinner time came round with their stomachs rumbling asking for some food that was not candy, Phil orders one of their favorite comfort foods, Domino’s. Any other day they would be arguing about whose turn is to make the order or who is dressed the worst to answer the delivery person. But today is not any other day. Phil didn’t hesitate a second when taking his phone and placing the order, and when the bell rang indicating their food had arrived he bolted to the door to answer. Dan appreciates the gesture, even though the evening playing games and eating sweets helped to brighten up his mood he still doesn’t feel ready for such social interaction. Despite knowing his roommate is doing all of this to improve his mood and that he would prefer that Dan doesn’t move from the sofa, he can’t stop from helping, at least a little. So he decides to get up from the sofa crease where he has been lying for hours and take the tray with their empty tea mugs and the remaining sweets to the kitchen. It’s the bare minimum he can do to repay for everything Phil has done for him during the day.  
There he is, leaving the bowl of popcorn in the sink and looking for some glasses and drinks to accompany their diner, when Phil comes back with the food.  
“You didn’t have to take care of that, I could have done it after putting the pizza down.”  
“Picking up a tray and preparing some Ribena is not going to kill me” The snarky remark comes out of his mouth without any real animosity.  
“Alright, but now go back to the lounge and find us something to watch” Phil answers with a bossy voice that wouldn’t affect a five year old while pushing him out of the kitchen.  
“Any suggestions?” Dan asks, leaving the kitchen and rolling his eyes in a fake complaint.  
“Whatever you want is good with me.”  
Everything would be much easier if they could always stay in this back and forth of sarcastic comments and fake annoyance, of simple but effective jokes. If he could just avoid episodes like the one before. If only Phil would just grow tired of always being so kind to him, of worrying about his well being. But he knows that’s not true, he doesn’t wish that Phil will stop being kind to him, neither think it’s possible at this point. Even when both are stressed out of their minds and argue about the most insignificant things, Phil had never stopped supporting him. For christ sake, the bloke has delayed coming out to his own audience for years now, waiting for him to feel sure enough to do it, respecting his time and never pushing him. Is there any biggest show of support than that? All of these thoughts cross his mind while now, sitting again on the sofa, looking for some show or movie to accompany their dinner.  
When Phil comes back to the lounge with a big pizza box in his hands, the first images of a movie can be seen in the telly.  
“Miyasaki?”  
“Spirited Away” Dan answers, turning his face to look at his mate. “Is it okay?”  
“Of course, whatever you want to watch.”  
Phil puts the food on the coffee table right in the middle of the glasses, now filled with Ribena, that Dan brough from the kitchen. Without any kind of ceremony they start eating and watching the lovely animation of Studio Ghibli, making some comments about the movie or remembering moments of their trips to Japan. The evening is simple and comforting, exactly what Dan needs. The greasy junk food, not less delicious because of that. The movie, seen so many times that they almost know the dialogues by memory. The soft and warm presence of Phill by his side. All those mundane things help him relax and let go of the tension that rested on his body.  
When they finish their dinner, and his stomach can not have a single additional portion of pizza, the relaxation has taken hold on all his body. At that time the only thing he wants is to lie his body over Phil’s and let that feeling of peace and quietud take him away. Without stopping to think about it he leans closer to his partner. Phil looks away from the television for just a second. That’s all it takes him to realize what is what Dan wants and, without saying a word, extends an arm surrounding him with it and pulling him closer to his body.  
Dan lies his head on the chest of his partner and they continue watching the movie in silence. Not long later the tiredness grabs hold of his whole being, letting himself get lulled by the swaying of Phil’s chest, and the relaxed sounds of his heartbeats.  
“Dan” A tender touch on his cheek joined with a soft voice wakes him up, “it’s late, we better go to bed.”  
When he opens his eyes he can see that the televisión is turned off, clearly the movie ended while he dozed off. “I don’t want to move” answers, slurring his words because of the sleep and buries his face on Phil’s chest. The hand that had previously caressed his cheek to wake him up is now over his head playing with the curls of his hair.  
“Come on, if you sleep here tomorrow you'll be the whole day knackering about back pains.”  
Phil’s right, the sofa is not uncomfortable but it’s not made for two people of their size sleeping the whole night in it. Finally, after a few minutes enjoying the gentle brush on his hair, he slowly gets off the couch and, guided by Phil, they walk out of the living room. The remains of their meal are still in the coffee table and they should at least take them to the kitchen, but Dan doesn’t have the energy to do anything about it and Phil doesn’t seem to notice. It’s going to be a future Dan and Phil concern then.  
Once they’re out of the living room, they get ready to go to bed. First they brush their teeth side by side in the bathroom, and, once they’re in their bedroom, they change to their sleeping clothes. Dan wearing only pants and Phil some hideous emoji themed pajama bottoms. Phil yawns during the whole process and after both take their places under the sheets he gives Dan a goodnight kiss and turns around. Dan lies there, in his side of the bed in the dark room, completely awake. Although a few moments ago he was exhausted and his body only wanted some rest, the moment his head lies over the pillow, all the fatigue seems to have disappeared. After a while of forcing himself to sleep and not succeeding, the memories come back to torment him. That maelstrom of emotions that, thanks to his boyfriend’s distractions, had eased becomes present again. He can’t have another episode like the one from today, not again. This stuff shouldn’t keep affecting him.  
“It’s always that word” says breaking the silence of the room. Anguish coloring his voice.  
“What?” Phil answers with a sleepy voice and turns to look at his partner’s face. He was clearly about to fall asleep and Dan feels a little guilty for interrupting his rest.  
“Gay, that word. Everytime I hear it brings back awful memories…” His voice shrinking with every word until becoming a thin string.  
“Is that what happened today?”  
Dan nods.  
“Want to talk about it?”  
Dan nods again. He tries to find the words to say, how to explain to Phil what those three words mean to him. The silence spreads through the room, but Phil doesn’t pressure him to keep talking neither keeps asking, he just stares at him. Stares and waits.  
“When I hear that word… No, rather, when I hear myself saying that word. When I remember… Well, you know. I think about what they used to say to me, and using that word to define this part of me is just like I’m saying they were right, like I’m validating their words, their insults. It’s stupid that is still affecting me, I know…”  
“No Dan” Phil interrupts him. “It’s not stupid, your feelings are not stupid. You are allowed to feel them.”  
“Bloody hell Phil, I’m almost 28 years old, I should have gotten over this a long time ago.”  
“I don’t think it works that way. I don’t think there is a specific moment in life to reach and suddenly all our problems and traumas solve themselves” His hand reaches Dan’s face softly caressing him. “These things take time, and I know you’ve walked a long path to get here. You know it too… I know you do.”  
Phil looks straight to his eyes, with an intensity that you can rarely see in him. His eyes, usually light blue with some greenish tinges are, in the darkness of the room, two deep blue lakes. Two deep lakes that only reflect love and understanding. Two deep lakes in which Dan could drown. Drown in the feelings that irradiates from them.  
“I know, you are right” Finally answers. “My therapist has said similar things… How we all have our own time to heal and process things.”  
“You should listen to them,” Phil says in a calm voice. “They know what they’re talking about.”  
“I know.”  
It’s not like Phil had said a lot or had revealed some incredible secret to happiness or to get over his trauma. It’s not that easy. But his words seem to have a soothing effect. They help him to placate the vicious voices in his head, to keep the memories at bay. With the exhaustion coming back to his body, a big yawn escapes his mouth.  
“Let’s sleep” Phil says, watching the fatigue in Dan’s eyes. “Okay?”  
Dan nods and turns around with his back facing his partner, but pushing his body closer to him.  
“Hold me.”  
A slight chuckle can be heard in the room and one of Phil’s arms hugs his waist.  
“Phil…” He manages to say before falling asleep. “Thanks.”  
The arm that is over his waist holds him tighter.  
“Whenever you need it.” Phil whispers slightly to his ear.  
Cuddled together they let the sleep take them away, forgetting their concerns and bad memories. There will be time for them tomorrow.


End file.
